Conker's diary

Bernardo's worst day ever - by Das Peanutten

2005-04-13T21:52:00.000-07:00

Hello to all me brother's fans. I have taken over Conky's blog this week to report on a despicable crime and also on Bernardo's worst day ever... here's what happenned:

A tabby in the basement

2005-02-15T20:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes these days Furrycat do be letting me out fluffing to be exploring and such but not so often as I would like. We do be having a one way cat door like what we had at Green Wall, so I have to be cunning and be taking me chances to escape when Furrycat and Furrykitten do not be watching.

This is a picture of me fluffing around outside. As you can see I still be Porkston but it ain't my faults. Mostly I am inside and there don't be so much to do except be batting Bernardo or Das Peanutten and she be me sister so I don't like to be batting her for fun although she does be creeping ups on me and batting me nose sometimes.

The other day a tabby did be coming in our cat door. Then he did be realising that this be Conky's house and he did be trying to escapes. But he couldn't escapes of course. So he did be staying downstairs and beaking loudly and mournfully every so oftens. Furrycat did be asleep and did not be noticing. Meanwhile me and Das Peanutten could not be going downstairs cause there was a demented tabby down there.

When Furrycat did be waking up and going to get his bike the tabby saw him and went bananas. He did be throwing himself at the door and then he did be hiding. Then Furrycat opened the door and did be finding the tabby and be chasing him out. The tabby does not be liking Das Peanutten for some reason, I don't know why.

Somefink bad, somefink furred

2005-01-24T18:44:00.000-08:00

Everyfink seemed like normal when furry cat and furry kitten decided to be putting collars on us. I did be getting mine off and hiding. Then they found me and put it back on again a bit tighter. Das Peanutten hates collars and she be quite depressed. She does be staring into space even more than normals. I don’t be liking collars but I don’t hate them as much as Das Peanutten. My collar is blue and green and Das Peanutten’s is red with grey paw-prints on it. They is supposed to look like cat paws but obviously they are too small, more like mouse paws except mouse paws do not be looking like that. So they look like the paws of a cat what is the size of an ickle mouse, which is fick. Our collars have each got a small metal disc attached with funny scratch marks on it. They be pointless.

Then furry cat did be letting me out! I did be having fun exploring and seeing all the fings and smelling them and also rubbing them so they belong to Conky. At the back of the house there be trees with squirrels and there be a place where Conky can be crawling where there be mice probably. And also I did be seeing some birds. And all sorts of fings which was interesting and I did also be hearing some dogs beaking which was annoying. I also did be finding a cat flap which I did be using and it took me back into the basement. Then I fluffed out the door again. Furry cat did be outside with me so I knew it were OK. Then I went in for some food and furry cat did be shutting the door so I be trapped again. Meanwhile while all this was going on, Das Peanutten did be sulking about her collar and did not even be going outside. I felt sorry for Das Peanutten and did be cleaning her ears and then she did be cleaning mine.

Invisible rodents

2005-01-02T20:30:00.000-08:00

There do be rodents in me new house. Sometimes when me or Das Peanutten be taking a nap we be hearing them scrambling around but they be no where to be seen! It does by annoying me immensley. What do they fink they is doing? Meanwhile furrycat and furrykitten do not be letting me out fluffing even though I be beaking at them often. Das Peanutten did be breaking out today but only for about twenty seconds. She said it looked pretty furred outside and we should be escaping as soon as possible! I still be eating diet crunchies which don't be tasting so good. I is a bit bored but fings are a bit better than they was. There be stairs and furrycat and furrykitten be around quite a bit to fluff me fur and check me water dish is full.

All Conky's fings

2004-12-19T17:15:00.000-08:00

The other day did not start off being so furry but ended up OK. To begin with Das Peanutten and me had been noticing that all the fings had been disappearing out of our furry prison cell. Eventually there weren't nufing left but me and Das Peanutten and Bernardo and me litter tray. Then furrycat did be coming back and he did be carrying those black bags what we was in when Conky did be having his worst day what ever was that I be remembering. Furrycat and furrykitten did be putting us in the bags and we did be beaking and we couldn't see nufing. Then I could tell that I was in a car and I did be under furrycat's legs and I could hear Das Peanutten beaking and so I did be beaking too. We did be beaking and beaking. Then the car stopped and the next fing I know the bag did be opening and I was in another room but this room had Conky's old bed in it! It smelled a bit of Conky which was nice. Then Das Peanutten did be escaping from the room and she did be saying that there be lots of other rooms and all of favourite fings be in them what we like to be scratching. I did be having a look for meself and she did be right - there was all of Conky's fings but they weren't in Conky's house no more and neither was Conky which did be confusing me. Furrycat did be explaining to me that this is Conky's new house and I like it 'cause there are lots of stairs and all me fings and Bernardo did be coming too.

Nufink be happening

2004-10-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

Nufink be happening for Conky. I be walking around the room and sleeping and eating and fings. I have turned into Porkston. The other day furrycat and furrykitten did be disappearing for a long while and when they did be returning they did be changing me diet. They have put me on some Iams nonsense from a blue bag which don't even have a picture of a ginge on it or nufink. It be rubbish. Here is a picture of me and Bernado, me Brazilian mouse and one of Das Peanutten's mice and me scratching pad and lots of other fings which I don't be knowing about.

Bath tub

2004-09-28T13:32:00.000-07:00

Over the last few days I have been mostly sleeping in the bath-tub. There be somefing wrong with me eye I fink. Das Peanutten has started to call me "Porksten" 'cause I don't be getting no exercise except for assaulting Bernardo every now and then. And then I be chasing Das Peanutten up and down the stairs a few times and sorting out Furrykitten's hair, which is always a mess. But mostly I be pretty bored.

Bernardo

2004-09-15T17:53:00.000-07:00

Fings have improved somewhat with the arrival of Bernardo the Brazillian mouse. I also have something to be sharpening me claws on properly (you can never really sharpen them on carpet, however hard you be trying). Sometimes I do be looking out of the window or helping furrykitten with her hair. I aint seen the fickos for quite a while and am feeling a bit more relaxed. I asked Das Peanutten how to get to the industrial estate but she just gave me a fick look.

Upstairs

2004-09-09T20:35:00.000-07:00

Das Peanutten and I have been moved upstairs. We now have a larger room (with a window), a bathroom (with taps) and a staircase to be running up and down. I still can't go fluffing. Das Peanutten likes to be escaping and fluffing down to our old room. Then furrykitten be bringing her back again. I be a bit depressed. I don't really be knowing what's going on. How far be it to the industrial estate?

Prisoner

2004-09-04T11:52:00.000-07:00

Me and Das Peanutten have officially been in this ickle room for as long as we can be remembering. It's making Conky quite cross. I have escaped a couple of times but it's confusing as I don't know where the other fickos be and everything smells like them. Das Peanutten has escaped quite a few times and has explored a bit - she is not bothered by the fickos. I am v. bored and I only be beaking at mealtimes.

Bad ones

2004-09-01T17:09:00.000-07:00

I fink there be two other cats in around here. There is a big black and white with short furs and then there is a white fluffy one. They ain't right upstairs. Sometimes I do be having showdowns with them through the glass door. I do not know what they think they are doing in Conky's house.

Last night furrykitten did be giving me some leaves which made me very happy and I did be eating them. Apart from this nothing has happenned whatsoever. I be sleeping a lot and when I am not sleeping me and Das Peanutten are working on our escape plans.

Stuck in the middle with you

2004-08-29T16:05:00.000-07:00

I am feeling a bit better today. Das Peanutten and me have been imprisoned in a room just a bit bigger than my old bedroom, but with no stairs. We be having foods and water and a litter tray and soft fings to claw at and furrycat and furrykitten do be sleeping here and dropping by to fluff our furs quite often. But there be no escape.

Except yesterday when I did be escaping but then when I did be getting outside the room I realised that I wasn't on the industrial estate like what I thought I'd be and the house did be smelling of a black and white that weren't Das Peanutten. And I did be scared so I went back again.

My fur is very soft because I ain't been allowed out fluffing so I have no burrs in it. I have been beaking a bit today. I be sleeping a lot 'cause I ain't got nufink to do be doing.

Conky's worst day that ever was

2004-08-26T14:26:00.000-07:00

Yesterday did be the worst day of Conky’s life what I can be remembering (Das Peanutten said that I was hit by a car once and had to be going to the vets all day and couldn’t be fluffing for ages but Conky can’t remember). You won’t even be believing this:

I could be telling something was going to happen - all night I did be having a bad feeling about something and I be hiding under the bed. Just about me regular fluffing time furrycat did be getting me back into that ickle cage and Das Peanutten too. Then we did be going in another car – which I hate – and this lasted for ages. We did be beaking at the driver to stop but he did just be laughing at Conky. Then we were carried into this huge space with people everywhere and it was very noisy and it did be frightening me but I couldn’t escape. Then we did be taken into an ickle room and furrykitten did be letting me out of my cage. I could see through the windows of the ickle room and there were people staring and pointing at Conky. Then furrykitten put me in a black holdall and I couldn’t see anything anymore which did be nice in a way. I could tell we were being carried all over the place. Sometimes I could hear Das Peanutten beaking so I could tell she were nearby. I did be beaking back so she knew I was there too. Then I did be hearing furrycat and furrykitten again. I thought they were going to rescue Conky but instead they just beaked softly at me and carried me some more before putting me down.

Then everything got really really noisy and I did be getting scared and I did be beaking but I couldn’t even hear myself beak. It went on and on for ages and eventually I did be falling asleep. I did wake up from time to time and each time I got scared and so I tried to be sleeping again. At one point I did be getting me head out of the holdall and I though I had escaped but furrykitten zipped me up again.

Eventually it did be getting louder again and I woke up and then it went quieter and I felt I was being carried some more. Every so often I would stop and then I would be carried again. Conky was firsty and hungry and scared but I couldn’t be escaping. Then someone did be looking at Conky and examining me fur, then I did be zipped up again. My ickle pink nose was all red because I has been trying to escape so hard. Then furrycat took me out of the holdall and did be carrying me through this big metal door. I was scared and I wanted to run away but I felt safer with furry cat and I did be digging me claws in so he couldn’t drop me. A big man looked at Conky and said I was scared and then I did be going back in the holdall again, but I did be feeling safer in there. Furrykitten then gave me a pill and furrycat gave conky some water to drink but I was still trapped.

Then the whole thing did be happenning again, with all the noise and everything. It went on and on and on and on and on and I was bored and scared and firsty and hungry and then it did be stopping again. And there was more carrying and stopping, carrying and stopping. And then there was another car and me and Das Penautten did be beaking some more cause we hate cars.

And then I got to a very strange house and I did be released and it was the first time I could be moving around for a day at least and I was in a strange room with furrycat and furrykitten and Das Peanutten and there was some food and water and some cat litter and I did be stretching me legs and eating and I was still very scared but I felt a bit better now. And Das Peanutten said she saw another black and white but I don’t know if I believe her and then we did be resting.

And I can’t get out of the room but maybe that’s the best thing for Conky.

I just want to go fluffing for fur's sake

2004-08-24T13:55:00.000-07:00

So I be waking up and all my fings are still gone except the bed. Then some people did be stealing that too. Me and Das Peanutten did be running round and beaking some. Furrycat and furrykitten did not seem to be noticing that all Conky's fings had gone. Then it did be raining really hard and I couldn't go outside because I would be getting wet fur, which I only like to have sometimes.

Then something even worse did be happenning - we did be put back in our ickle cages and then we were taken somewhere in a car - which I hate - and we ended up in a strange house with Grandpa Tony (who do be beaking at me and scaring Conky) and me and Das Peanutten did be hiding under the bed. We was not allowed out. I felt a bit funny right about then.

Where are Conky's fings going?

2004-08-23T13:45:00.000-07:00

Strange people have been taking away all of Conky's fings. It started just after I went fluffing this morning with Das Peanutten. I came home and my fings were being taken away including my scratchy post, my scatchy chairs, cushions, futon and everything. For a while we stood outside beaking and wacthing all our fings being stolen. Then I ran inside and did be hiding under the bed. Furrycat came to talk to Conky but he is so fick he couldn't even tell all of Conky's fings were being stolen. He be useless. Then fings got worse: Das Peanutten and me were put in ickle cages, smaller than a Conky, and taken to the vet. He did be examining my fur. Then we did be going home, but there weren't nothing in me home except Conky's bed which Furrycat and Furrykitten keep using. Das Penautten and me did be quite confused and we did be running around outside to take our minds of it but it didn't be working. Conky is sad today.

I rescued Das Peanutten

2004-08-20T01:01:00.000-07:00

The other day I did be rescuing das peanutten. It was raining and windy and we were out fluffing. Sometimes we like getting wet fur and sometimes we don't. Anyhow the outer door were open but the inner door were shut 'cause of the wind or something so we were stuck. We did be beaking a bit but nobody did be hearing us as it was windy and furry kitten was napping. But when furrycat came home I was waiting and I did be running inside with him. Then I did be beaking and beaking at him until he opened the other door and let das peanutten in. That is how I rescued das peanutten.

Here is a picture of me and my sister. She is my best friend.

Furry old week

2004-08-13T10:17:00.000-07:00

I seem to be getting my fur fluffed quite frequently lately.

Weirdly though, they are making me and Das Penautten eat our dinner by getting inside a tiny cage type fing. It's ok for Das Peanutten 'cause she is small but I can hardly be getting me beak in there. On the plus side there is sometimes some mushy food in there, which is me favourite. I don't hardly ever be getting such foods though.

There is not much else to be reporting on. The house is unusually tidy and the carpet isn't all furry and ginger all the time and sometimes strange people be letting me out during the day.

Crazy Wednesday

2004-08-05T08:11:00.000-07:00

So I was having a bit of a nap when my luck suddenly turned: an ickle bird literally fell down the chimney - and no furrycat or furrykitten to spoil my fun! I did be batting it quite a bit and doing some growling and then it managed to find an ickle spot behind the fireplace where I couldn't quite reach it. I spent about the next three hours trying to get me paw in the gap but to no avail. It was quite frustrating after such an auspicious turn of events.

But then things took a turn for the worse when fc and fk got home. Firstly furrykitten tried to carry me down the stairs: I HATE BEING CARRIED DOWN THE STAIRS. When will you people get it? Then I was caught by grandpa tony and he always be beaking at me and scaring conky. He put me in the prison transportation unit and then furrycat carried my down to the vet, which I don't like 'cause of all the cars. The vet was a good one and said I was in-shape before injecting me and making me swallow a tablet. Then it was Das Peanutten's turn and then we got to go home.

Das Peanutten went out fluffing but I went back to guard duty by the fireplace. Then furrycat and furrykitten went out fluffing again and then I did be catching the birdie! Then I did be eating it.

And then I did be being sick, which wasn't so furry in fact.

And then furrycat and furrykitten came home again and furrycat did be cleaning up my sick but it was too late to go fluffing, so I was a bit cross.

Dog days of summer

2004-08-03T07:36:00.000-07:00

Another lovely hot summer's day and I'm stuck inside with Das Peanutten. I be loving her, but frankly there's only so much kung-fu training you can do with your sister.

Out there the mice are running wild.

For fluff's sake.

Whoever invented that one-way cat-flap needs a good beaking.

Foiled again

2004-08-02T06:54:00.000-07:00

Just yesterday I was lounging around on the stairs when Das Peanutten came home with a mouse in her beak. It was all pretty exciting and for a few brief joyous moments I thought I was going to add to my weekend haul, thus far totalling one ickle bird. But no, for at that exact point furrycat and furrykitten fluffed in from the beach, exclaimed horror, and lifted Das Peanutten until she dropped the ickle mouse and it ran into the larder. At this point they locked me upstairs, the fickos, but Das Penutten later told me that when they opened the larder door they found two ickle mice e.g. a whole extra mouse that had probably eluded me at some earlier date. Unfortunately furrykitten caught them both and took them outside, giving them a whole 30 minutes head start on us.

On the plus side I got quite a lot of fluffing in this weekend and furrycat and furrykitten fluffed my fur and told me I was a good boy. They also said something about sending my fur down to Texas, but god only knows what they were on, they talk a lot of nonsense.

For fluff's sake...

2004-07-30T09:57:00.000-07:00

Well it's finally sunny for once but - as per usual - I am stuck inside until furrycat or furrykitten fluffs back from 'work' or somesuch. Das Peanutten has been irritating me a bit today. For some reason she got it into her head to go crazy with a hairband in her beak just as I had found the comfy spot on the futon.

When are those guys going to get back? Don't they understand: I need to go fluffing. For fluff's sake.

Two nights ago I had a big showdown with this new black-and-white on the block. He finks he's all that but I wasn't having any of it. I beaked at him a bit and he just gave me a fick look and stared at me for about half-an-hour. Eventually he had enough and slunk away. He was a big fella but he was out of shape. And he had no ginger powers whatsoever... Loser.